The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

Blaming others is an act of refusing to take responsibility. When a person can’t accept the fact or the reality, they blamed another person or the situation instead of taking accountability.

I got tired of the Ramones around the time I quit and I really got into rap. I thought it was the new punk rock. LL Cool J was my biggest idol.

I think it's hard to be taken seriously as a poet, period.

We see his smile of love even when others see nothing but the black hand of death smiting our best beloved.

Take the life-lie away from the average man and straight away you take away his happiness.

My favorite song is Eminem's 'Rap God.' That joint is just incredible, It's six-and-a-half minutes of him just crushing the whole game. It's so different from what I hear if I listen to the radio.

Many great ideas need refreshment and deeper analysis. "Freedom," for example, is a great idea but it has become a cliché.

A combed writing will cost both sweat and the rubbing of the brain. And combed I wish it, not frizzled or curled.

Forgiveness is divine, but never pay pull price for late pizza.

Every step of progress the world has made has been from scaffold to scaffold, and from stake to stake.