I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces

There is no getting away from the past or from one’s destiny.

The road of grief is often long and lonely and many stones need to be moved out of the way, but it is not without its lighter moments.

I believe firmly that in making ethical decisions, man has the prerogative of true freedom of choice.

It has been well said that tea is suggestive of a thousand wants, from which spring the decencies and luxuries of civilization.

I like acting because I get to find different parts of myself, or at least create different parts that don't already exist, and see the world through someone else's eyes.

It is always easy to shut a book, but not quite so easy to get rid of a lettered coxcomb.

There is no greater sign of a bad cause, than when the patrons of it are reduced to the necessity of making use of the most wicked artifices to support it.

To live beneath sorrow, one must yield to it.

Some critics are emotionally desiccated, personally about as attractive as a year-old peach in a single girl's refrigerator.