Witty Quotes

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

The devil's most devilish when respectable.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If you like me, raise your hand. If you don't, raise your standards

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

How can I lose to such an idiot?

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate.

It is one of the most hauntingly beautiful places in the world, the history is fascinating, the men are handsome and the whisky is delicious. But don't eat the macaroni pies.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

My music is basically all about witty punchlines and lyric progression that is aimed to make you laugh or say "Woah."

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

Write drunk; edit sober.

I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Quoting E. B. White is the easiest way I know of to fool people into thinking that I am perceptive, witty, and wise.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

In fact, to gull a fool seems to me an exploit worthy of a witty man.

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.