Witty Quotes

You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life - so that if it were over tomorrow, you'd be content with yourself.

The real fact of the matter is that nobody reads ads. People read what interests them, and sometimes it's an ad.

Interesting - I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.(when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac )

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Given a choice between hearing my daughter say "I'm pregnant" or "I used a condom", most mothers would get up in the middle of the night and buy them herself.

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

A person is wise if he listens to millions of advice and doesn't implement any of it.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.

When our government is spoken of as some menacing, threatening, foreign entity, it ignores the fact that in our democracy, government is us

Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I have been laid up with intentional flu.

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

I adore pretty things & witty words.

I know not whether Laws be right, Or whether Laws be wrong; All that we know who be in jail Is that the wall is strong; And that each day is like a year, A year whose days are long.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding.

A sheep in sheep's clothing.

Generally speaking, there is more wit than talent in the world. Society swarms with witty people who lack talent.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.

Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

I was brought up by very witty people who were dealing with quite difficult things: disease and death... I was brought up by people who tended to giggle at funerals.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining.

Normal is in the eye of the beholder.

I know that you cannot hate other people without hating yourself.

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

Art is 'I'; science is 'we'.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

I would have made a good pope.

Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.

In two words, impossible.

Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty.