Humor Quotes

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous.

The person sending ironic text messages has no idea that their voice does not sound so great in text. There's no dry sense of humor in a text. It comes off as a little bit shitty.

It's a very important skill set for an actor to be able to bring the humor into any moment, whether you're doing drama or comedy.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

Be fond of the man who jests at his scars, if you like; but never believe he is being on the level with you.

Robert Walker as Bruno was excellent. He had elegance and humor, and the proper fondness for his mother

If there's anything I hate it's the word humorist-I feel like countering with the word seriousist.

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a congress.

Nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humor.

This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.

A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.

Children are often the silent victims of drug abuse.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

At times of the severest depression, humor is what binds people together.

No man with a sense of humor ever founded a religion.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I have three kids, one of each.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.

Nothing is as universal as some good scatalogical humor. Even if it means having to be a little silly or cheeky, I think it is worth it.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

If a creative person has a sense of humor, a sense of style and a certain amount of stubbornness, he finds a way to do what he needs to in spite of the obstacles.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?