My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Devotion to God brings great delight.

In order to have great happiness you have to have great pain and unhap-piness - otherwise how would you know when you're happy?

Society cannot exist unless a controlling power upon will and appetite be placed somewhere, and the less of it there is within, the more there must be without.

Anyone who says the Confederate Flag is a symbol of hate should be required to go to sensitivity training classes.

Resistance at all cost is the most senseless act there is.

It's important to underscore this overriding fact: women are not just victims of conflict-they are agents of peace and agents of change.

You are blinded and you serve the God of the Jews, who is not the God of love but the God of hatred. Why don't you listen to Christ Himself, who said to the Jews: "Ye are of your father the devil!"

The reason why the universe is eternal is that it does not live for itself; it gives life to others as it transforms.

Idolatry is worshipping anything that ought to be used, or using anything that is meant to be worshipped.

When you lose people that are close to you it brings everything into focus, and the rest kind of gets put on the back burner.