If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Be kind. Always if you have a choice, be kind.

I think my exact comment was that if Bush won it would be a good time to leave the United States. I'm not necessarily going to leave the United States.

In my culture, there's a tradition that when you're in an overwhelming situation and you don't know what to do, you put yourself in a woman's shoes.

Not only is it harder to be a man, it is also harder to become one.

If you wish to learn swimming you have to go into the water and if you wish to become a problem solver you have to solve problems.

That's what I love about acting, you get to find little pieces of yourself in every character you play.

It's easier in some ways being on the life raft and the other guy's in the boat and you can row alongside and be supportive. In some ways, that's an easier role.

And I think to myself what a wonderful world. Oh, yeah.

Realize that true happiness lies within you.

The way you write a screenplay is that you close your eyes and run the movie in your head and then you write it down.