Humor Quotes

The speed of time is one second per second.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one's bottom.

I think you really have to tap into your sense of humor in order to survive.

What i value more than all things, good humor.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child

Doing is better than not doing, and if you do something badly you'll learn to do it better.

When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.

If I can't find a theme, I can't make a film anyone else will feel. I can't laugh at intellectual humor. I'm just corny enough to like to have a story hit me over the heart.

People who are tremendously concerned about their identification, their individuality, their self-expression, or their sense of humor, always seem to be missing the very things they pursue.

Humor has historically been tied to the mores of the day. The Yellow Kid was predicated on what people thought was funny about the immigrant Irish. When you're different in a society, you're funny.

It is perhaps life's greatest accomplishment to live to old age, maintaining one's wits, one's sense of humor, one's health, and one's charm.

I call my balls the bush twins.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke-and that the joke is oneself.

The most profound indication of social malignancy ... no sense of humor. None of the monoliths could take a joke.

Feminist humor raises consciousness. And the reason it's funny is because it stands something on its head. Goodness knows you've got to have a sense of humor if you do feminism full-time, I tell you.

A sense of humor always withers in the presence of the messianic delusion, like justice and the truth in front of patriotic passion.

Good-humor will even go so far as often to supply the lack of wit.

There is certainly no defence or water -proof garment against adverse fortune which is, on the whole, so effectual as an habitual sense of humor.

Faith handles the ultimate incongruities of life, humor handles the more immediate ones.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept you busy.

My dull brain was wrought with things forgotten.

There is a monsterous deal of stupid quizzing, & common-place nonsense talked, but scarcely any wit.

It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.

and, unlike the celebrated herd in the poem, they were not forty children conducting themselves as one, but every child was conducting itself like forty.

So many books, so little time.

The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

No violence, gentlemen — no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!

There are more quarrels smothered by just shutting your mouth, and holding it shut, than by all the wisdom in the world.

Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right.