Humor Quotes

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

All higher humor begins with ceasing to take oneself seriously.

The binders, the charts, the grids may seem formidable, but the meetings themselves are built around informality, trust, emotion and humor.

True wealth is not what you have, it's what you're left with with when all you have is gone.

Thank heaven I don't inherit God from anybody! I am free to make mine up as I wish Him. He's kind and sympathetic and imaginative and forgiving and understanding - and He has a sense of humor.

The problem with the designated driver programme, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At then end of the night drop them off at the wrong house.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

I think humor is key [to a successful middle-grade novel]. Kids like to read for entertainment, and the best way to entertain kids is to make them laugh.

One parody is worth a thousand polemics.

When you lose the power to laugh, you lose your power to think straight.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

I think my sense of humor is Jewish. I'm smarter than most white people, which is kind of a Jewish thing, too.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

Humor is an amazing way to talk people down off a ledge.

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

Comedians are not usually actors, but imitations of actors.

Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius. Corfu? It's just a poor man's Pensacola.

I believe humor nullifies violence.

Heart and humor and humility, he said will lighten up your heavy load.

When I am ever in any situation that's getting too heavy, I lighten it up with humor.

The clever men of Oxford, know all that there is to be knowed but they none of them know one half as much as intelligent Mr. Toad.

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

I have a funny sense of humor. If I was a comedian and I was up on stage, people would think that's funny, because I'm a funny comedian. I'm an entertainer.

She raised us with humor, and she raised us to understand that not everything was going to be great-but how to laugh through it.

Dali Lama said, 'when you open the heart of the person with humor, you can tell him the most truth. But if you tell him truth without humor, the heart closes.'

If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.

Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom.

Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.

Let me assure you that the humourless as a bunch don't just not know what's funny, they don't know what's serious. They have no common sense, either, and shouldn't be trusted with anything.

Whoever wants to be a Christian should tear the eyes out of his reason.

As for the demented, I hold it certain that all beings deprived of reason are thus afflicted only by the Devil.

You may not like the humor, but that is why every radio has an on-off button.

In the theater, as in life, we prefer a villain with a sense of humor to a hero without one.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.