Humor Quotes
Vengeance is sweet. Vengeance taken when the vengee isn't sure who the venger is, is sweeter still.
You can teach taste, editorial sense, but the ability to say something funny is something I've never been able to teach anyone.
Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
I regret that I do not have the dignity of Ricardo Montalban, the class of Dean Martin, or the humor of Bill Cosby. I do have the heart of a lion.
No one would have been invited to dinner so often as Jesus was unless he were interesting and had a sense of humor.
Good humor and enthusiasm should be the sunshine ahead that will keep that shadow behind.
Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense
In business, there are times when you disagree, and sometimes it turns out that you're just plain wrong. Humor takes away tension and helps you realize you're wrong.
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
There's always this weird dark humor within a lot of Depeche Mode songs that people miss, tongue-in-cheek and also very British.
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"
We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
I failed to fulfill what should have been an interesting role. I couldn't take their formula and bring what I had, my humor, my ideas, and make it my own.
Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.
A reasonable amount of fleas is good for a dog; it keeps him from brooding over being a dog.