Humor Quotes

I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Coquetry is the essential characteristic, and the prevalent humor of women; but they do not all practice it, because the coquetry of some is restrained by fear or by reason.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

Propel, propel, propel your craft softly down liquid solution. Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, Existence is simply illusion.

Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it.

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

The status quo sucks.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

A dirty joke is not, of course, a serious attack on morality, but it is a sort of mental rebellion, a momentary wish that things were otherwise.

We ought to make the pie higher.

Every nation in every region now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.

I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.

Our nation must come together to unite.

I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well.

Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican.

Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads.

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.

I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating.

There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.

Go, and never darken my towels again

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

The Australian sense of humor is very dry, sarcastic, and very undercover. Like if I tell any jokes in America, people just think I'm serious! So I just quit telling any jokes whatsoever.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.