Cynthia Heimel Quotes

Dogs are us, only innocent.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth.

Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.

Infidelity is such a pretty word, so light and delicate. Whereas the act itself is dark and thick with guilt, betrayal, confusion, pain, and (okay) sometimes enormous pleasure.

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people.

A person who uses party as a verb is a person who will walk into a shop and walk out wearing a rubber jumpsuit.

Friends are the twenty-first-century version of extended families.

Show me a woman who is prouder of her clean kitchen than of her collection of lingerie and I'll show you a woman with enlarged pores.

we know that our world is corrupt and diseased but we're tired of being cynical and feeling helpless. What the hell, tilt at a windmill.

The only women who don't believe that sexual harassment is a real problem in this country are women who have never been in the workplace.

Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.

A sense of humor isn't everything. It's only 90 percent of everything.

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself.

Wearing makeup is an apology for our actual faces.

The media know exactly what they're doing, focusing our attention on Arsenio's hairdo. We need to keep our brains brimming with rubbish. If we didn't, we might think about things.

With dogs, you don't need gurus. Dogs are forever in the moment. They are always a tidal wave of feelings, and every feeling is some variant of love.

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.

Women are not ladies. The term connotates females who are simultaneously put on a pedestal and patronized.

Homework, root canals, and deadlines are the important things in life, and only when we have these major dramas taken care of can we presume to look at the larger questions.

The country is suffering from musical-chairs syndrome. We all dance around for a bit and then when we try to sit down again, somebody doesn't have a chair. We're running scared; we want ours.

Dogs and humans are symbiotic species. We need each other.

When women are excited about a date, they go immediately on a diet, because all women know they are hideously obese.

Swingers are all from the suburbs and consequently brain-addled by car pools, shopping malls, and welcome wagons.

Possessions, for the terminally frightened, bring peace of mind.

Lots of you know me as a lone, hard-bitten columnist, prone to lurking on deserted rocky promontories while searching for my muse.

it is a shoe designer's job to be a year ahead of our collective unconscious.

It seems to me, correct me if I'm wrong, that there are an awful lot of people in Manhattan. And it's getting worse.

Enough about you let's hear about me.

[On her dogs:] I have four now. My friends tell me if I get any more they'll have to hold an intervention.

a car is just a moving, giant handbag! You never have actually to carry groceries, or dry cleaning, or anything! You can have five pairs of shoes with you at all times!

Men, being conditioned badly, are always feeling nooses closing around their necks, even dumpy boors no girl would take on a bet.

Not one woman over seventeen has any faith in her skin tone, and no woman over thirty can ever regard her upper arms with equanimity.

A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.

You can't take away knowledge, and it's dangerous to pretend you never had it.

Here is Heimel's Law: Anything you fantasize about won't come true. So just cut it out.

Women wearing men's clothes are chic, men wearing women's clothes make us fall on the floor laughing.

When in doubt make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell leap.

You never get anywhere until you figure out the difference between passion and compassion.