Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Its hard to say what's wrong when nothing is going right!

You are there with me, aren't you? I and my silences keep talking about you.

A friend is a present you give to yourself.

Benjamin Franklin may have discovered electricity, but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money.

All good moral philosophy is ... but the handmaid to religion.

We're all eccentrics. We're nine prima donnas.

If we stepped away from so much of the victimhood talk, I think that would make a big change for the better. It does limit art. The conversation wouldn't just be one-sided.

The very rich only admire themselves

Every true, eternal problem is an equally true, eternal fault; every answer an atonement, every realisation an improvement.

You have to give love to get love.