When humor go's, there go's civilization.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief

Go oft to the house of thy friend for weeds choke the unused path.

CrossFit is all about constantly-varied, high-intensity movements. And to do these movements, you have to have a certified coach to take you through this - or any type of physical activity.

I sincerely apologize to anyone I may have inadvertently offended...The bag was a purchase I made as a tourist in China.

Man is the mirror God holds up to himself, the sense organ with which he apprehends his being.

The best inheritance a father can leave his children is a good example.

I never dreamed I'd like any city as well as London. San Francisco is exciting, moody, exhilarating. I even love the muted fogs.

Protecting biodiversity is just as important and critical to the survival of mankind as stabilizing the climate. Species protection and climate are interdependent.

Confronted by too much emptiness ... the brain invents. Loneliness creates company as thirst creates water. How many sailors have been wrecked in pursuit of islands that were merely a shimmering?

The memory fades, and I’m left hanging on to the ghosts of his words.