Funny Quotes

There's news that happens in different spheres and can be made just as funny, but it's not necessarily in the normal news medium.

The haters always scream the loudest.

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate

When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

He enters the port with a full sail.

Kansas is a piece of real estate that completely disproves the theory of roundness as a quality of the planet earth.

I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them.

I was making my living from a joke about my appearance that I didn't understand, and in a way still don't, because when I look in a mirror it doesn't seem funny to me.

Yeah, that's funny, huh?...Something hurts you real bad and you get used to it. Like being hurt becomes part of who you are.

Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

It's funny how you can think you know someone pretty well, and then something happens or they do something that makes you understand that you didn't really know them at all.

Humor has historically been tied to the mores of the day. The Yellow Kid was predicated on what people thought was funny about the immigrant Irish. When you're different in a society, you're funny.

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

Tell me, was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?

Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Writing is a funny business. You sit in your room and listen to voices and write everything down. What kind of a profession is that?

Less judgment than wit is more sail than ballast.

I do not hold that we should rearm in order to fight. I hold that we should rearm in order to parley.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

It ain't the heat, it's the humility.

I'd find the fellow who lost it [million dollars], and, if he was poor, I'd return it.

He [Steve McQueen] must have made that before he died.

It ain't like football. You can't make up no trick plays.

It gets late early out there.

One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy's restroom and she wasn't embarrassed at all.

I call my balls the bush twins.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

I tried to be normal once... worst two minutes of my life.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

What early tongue so sweet saluteth me?

But you see, a rich country like America can perhaps afford to be stupid.

she shall scant show well that now shows best.

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.

I had liked him for all the wrong reasons.

Life is too fleet for onomatopoeia.

The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.

Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

What do you think? Does this face make me look fat?

I guess I can't blame him for feeling bitter. Going from being the terror of Bulgarian nights to a janitor would kinda suck

I wish I knew how to quit you, Tumblr.