I was making my living from a joke about my appearance that I didn't understand, and in a way still don't, because when I look in a mirror it doesn't seem funny to me.

For me, a play is a form of writing which isn't complete until it is interpreted by actors. But it's still a form of writing. And so most of my time is spent thinking about how to write a sentence.

It's obviously a characteristic of human beings that we like to feel superior to others, but our problem is we are not superior

Who says one instance of writing has anything in common with another instance?

Even with my wife, I find sharing soup is hard.

I have been vain since birth.

Sleep: a poor substitute for caffeine!

I spend most of my time thinking about things like laundry and buying stationery supplies.

I'm not proud to be me, I'm not excited to be me, but I find that I am me, and like most other individuals, I send out little signals; I tell everyone else how everything looks from where I am.

Patriotism is considered to be an emotion a person ought to feel. But why? Why is it nobler to love your own country than to love someone else's?

Acting is an escape from the boring person that I am in real life.

I am hope.

Perfection is shallow, unreal, and fatally uninteresting.

We can so easily deceive ourselves, mistaking the presence of physical bodies in a crowd for the existence of spiritual life in a community.

Man at his best is a system-breaker, an iconoclast seeking not only variety, but destruction.

When I stand before the throne of God, I shall be judged innocent.

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

People are all vulnerable in so many different ways. We go into survival mode a lot of times.

We grew to know the meaning of love. That is what allowed me and my family to stay close together.

There's a stability and growth pact which was agreed for the eleven countries which tries to limit the size of budget deficits among the eleven countries.

I do know how to operate a computer. (Joe) Yeah, right. What was it you said just ten minutes ago? Get this damned thing off my desk before I shoot it? Now make the call, Mr. Hunt-and-Peck. (Tee)