Funny Quotes

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

Best fight ever in a movie: 'They Live.' I want to do a martial arts version of that, where you think it's ended, and it just keeps on going. I love that fight. It was funny as well. Unexpected.

My second hit was a flop.

We definitely have our finger on the pulse. You have to keep up. We decide what to watch by what's funny.

I am very picky about my people and my beer.

My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved.

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

Do you drink?" "Of course,I just said I was a writer.

Laughter... is like a hurricane: once it reaches a certain point, it becomes self-feeding, self-supporting. You laugh not because the jokes are funny but because your own condition is funny.

Germany are a very difficult team to play... they have eleven internationals out there today.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

The speed of time is one second per second.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

When a baseball player makes an error, it goes into the record and is published. How many of us could stand this sort of daily scrutiny?

A drinker has a hole under his nose that all his money runs into.

Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder.

I've been promoted to middle management. I never thought I'd sink so low.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.

They did that little thing on South Park, and they mentioned my name and had a character of me judging a Halloween contest. It was really funny. That made me the coolest aunt on earth.

Memory is funny. Once you hit a vein the problem is not how to remember but how to control the flow.

The Army has carried the American... ideal to its logical conclusion... Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability.

Rap music... sounds like somebody feeding a rhyming dictionary to a popcorn popper.

Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense.

Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?

What this country needs is a credit card for charging things to experience.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child

Reynie's fce fell. 'It's not funny, Kate.' For a moment - a fleeting moment - Kate looked desperately sad. 'Well, of course it's not funny, Reynie Muldoon. But what do you want me to do? Cry?