Comedy Humor Quotes

You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash

The guy thought he was Mick Jagger. I felt bad for him.

College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.

What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth

We must, we must, we must increase our bust.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I think comedy is the hardest art form there is.

I'm a compulsive everything.

Finley is going over to get a new piece of bat.

Renko has just about had it. Pretty soon somebody will come out of the dugout with a fork and get him.

Even though the ball was doubled, they got it anyway.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

Edwards missed getting Stearns at third base by an eyeball.

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

Don't write about what you don't know even if you don't know it.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Enos Cabell started out here with the Astros, and before that he was with the Orioles.

What a great hitch to pit!

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

It's a base hit on the error by Roberts.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.

Nobody touches my ding dongs!

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, "Not as scary as the boogie woman.

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

The truth is what we say it is...prove to me this desk is not a cow!

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.