Comedy Humor Quotes

A sturdy hold, but I think there's something up with the material.

Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.

I don't think the heavy stuff is gonna come down for quite a while!” ― Bill Murray character in Cadyshack

Yeah 220, 221 whatever it takes!" Michael Keaton character in "Mr. Mom

He quite liked dentists’ waiting rooms. Waiting for dentists was good. Waiting for them was so much better than having them stick metal spikes in your mouth.

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.

Author is the prisoner of his thoughts .

The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.

I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while, " he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.

Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!

I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter, " said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.

Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed

The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason, so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty.

Leo, ” Hazel gasped, “I can’t—my arms—”“Hazel, ” he said. “Do you trust me?”“No!”“Me neither, ” Leo admitted.

Don't you think 'Mark is kind of a weird name for a Shadowhunter?" Julian was saying as Emma approached. "I mean, if you really think about it. It's confusing. 'Put a Mark on me, Mark.

You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster."With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

Normal" is just a setting on your dryer.

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly.

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.

You look angry, " he said."You put me on hold.""For a very good reason.""You put me, " she said very, very slowly, "on hold.

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.

If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Often you don’t know whether you’re the hero of a romantic comedy or the villain on a Lifetime special until the restraining order arrives.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

Trust her we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

I wish my nose would blow me for once.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.