My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Fate has a cruel sense of humor, don't you think?

Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.

My kind of wanting to be funny didn't come from need, necessarily. The closest I can analyze it is that it was an easy way to make friends, I found out. It was just a great kind of social tool.

I'm someone who's always on the go and crazy busy, so I like to keep snacks in my car and at the office, and Cracker Jack'd is a really yummy snack that I love. I definitely am a big snacker.

I''ll make it official. I care about Don Draper and what happens to him and I'm not the only one who does.

'Tis always morning somewhere, and aboveThe awakening continents, from shore to shore,Somewhere the birds are singing evermore.

And thus it came to pass that the Silmarils found their long homes: one in the airs of heaven, and one in the fires of the heart of the world, and one in the deep waters.

If you are writing any book about the end of the world, what you are really writing about is what's worth saving about it.

The mind can’t explain it, and you can’t make it go away. It’s called love.

If the NAACP were to impose a control of something towards all, then I would staunchly oppose it.