You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Abortion is inherently different from other medical procedures because no other procedure involves the purposeful termination of a potential life.

I have won the Australian, I won the British, all PGA championships, but I haven't won the PGA championship.

That which you seek, is causing you to seek.

Loyal customers, they don't just come back, they don't simply recommend you, they insist that their friends do business with you.

There's no such thing as an anti-war film.

I try to do yoga when I can to make sure that I'm flexible and that I'm not going to tear any muscle or pull anything.

However near and dear to you may be your wife, children, friends, they are not you; they are outside of you.

Generally I finish a first draft in 2-6 months, then I set it aside for a while so that when I come back to it I can read it with fresh eyes and figure out how to improve it.

All over the world, people want to know what kind of people Texans are, and I explain that Texans are America's ideal Americans.

We were, literally and figuratively, in the same boat.