Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

This time it is real — all must die, and where could mountaineer find a more glorious death!

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights)

Sympathy is never wasted except when you give it to yourself.

Nobody does good to men with impunity.

My colleague Ross Douthat wrote that any time you give Donald Trump the benefit of the doubt, he always lets you down.

Elvis and I call up Cadillac dealerships all night long, suckin' down Ny Quil stingers and cheese. He says, what the hell's Lisa Marie thinking with that Michael Jackson crap?

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

A man needs to look, not down, but up to standards set so much above his ordinary self as to make him feel that he is himself spiritually the underdog.

My father tutored me well on amnesia. He always said it was a necessary ingredient for any friendship. (Kiara)

A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her...but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account.