They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Life is made of so many moments that mean nothing. Then one day, a single moment comes along to define every second that comes after. Such moments are tests of courage, of strength.

There is nothing so inspiring as true heartfelt gratitude.

Smartass Disciple: Master, can you trust this bank to keep your money safe?Master of Stupidity: Well, I can put a bit less distrust on this bank than others.

How may I hate that which I love with such intensity of passion? How should I abhor that for which my every drop of blood is boiling?

Hatred is the emotional price leaders must pay for getting love and honour.

When I was 14, I tried to stab someone.

I did not set out to convert anyone to Christianity.

I don’t have any mottoes. If I did I would forever be contradicting them.

Never will this prevail, that the things that are not are — bar your thought from this road of inquiry.

I feel like I've been very fortunate in that I've stuck like a burr to the dog-leg of the next generation of nerdism. I've been carried into the XXIth century on Bill Gates' pants-cuff.