Dana Gould Quotes

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.