I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

The first rule of discovery is to have brains and good luck. The second rule of discovery is to sit tight and wait till you get a bright idea.

We still get those kind of cats coming out to our shows. Once you're into it, you're into it for a lifetime.

Success - To rise from the illusion of pursuit to the disillusion of possession.

If you love language, it will love you back.

Enclave life becomes very tense, Even when they do elect a leader, the factions remain, with the threat of splitting off.

Let us not be too much acquainted. I would have a man enter his house through a hall filled with heroic and sacred sculptures, that he might not want the hint of tranquillity and self-poise.

I write five pages a day. If you would read five pages a day, we'd stay right even.

What's it like kissing Taylor Lautner.

Stalin was formed by much more than a miserable childhood, just as the USSR was formed by much more than Marxist ideology.

I worry, that we are a people in a process of great transition and we are forgetting what we are connected to. We are losing our frame of reference.