When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I danced with my shadows until they became part of my light.

Many openly show discontentment with their looks, but few with their intelligence. I, however, assure you there are many more plain minds than faces.

Of the 50 largest companies in the United States, you are the only woman CEO. Why?

The radios are going to dictate. That's another fight. That's another story there. I wish they just let it be.

I get tired of hearing my ballplayers bellyache all the time. They should sit in the press box sometime and watch themselves play.

Tim Robbins had real confidence in college. He literally stole actors from the theater department at UCLA to be in his plays. The department heads got so mad at him

A man must learn to love his children, not because they are his, but because they are children, else his love will be scarcely a better thing at last than the party-spirit of the faithful politician.

It's a personality trait: from the very beginning, I knew what I was concentrating on. I'm only doing the kernel - I always found everything around it to be completely boring.

I learned a lot about morality from fiction, from movies.

I'm tired of being a nice guy, I've been poor all my life, but don't know quite why.