Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point- of-view is seldom necessary.

The man who lets a leader prescribe his course is a wreck being towed to the scrap heap.

Your customer is anyone who depends on you, or who you depend on for success.

I only wear these crop tops because other clothes would make me sweat when I dance.

You cannot solve a problem unless you diagnose the problem.

Every gesture is a gesture from the blood, every expression a symbolic utterance... Everything is of the blood, of the senses.

I'm a humble student of acting myself and part of that studentship is teaching.

Every ailment, every sickness and every disease can be traced back to An organic trace mineral deficiency

Before the day begins, you are not yet engaged in any physical activities. And it is only physically that you are constrained by the limits of time and place; mentally, there are no such boundaries.

In the realm of totalitarian kitsch, all answers are given in advance and preclude any questions.