What kind of morons do you have working at newspapers in Austin that would base an entire review of an artist's performance on whether or not they had a good seat?

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

Even a book can be dangerous in the wrong hands, and when that happens, you blame the hands, but you also read the book.

Blames create no change

Endurance is critical if you want to succeed spectacularly at anything God sets before you.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

Every action begins with a thought, and if you don't watch what you're thinking, your thoughts will get the best of you.

Diversity is crucial to art and crucial to cinema. That's a very strong European statement: All people should be able to have images of themselves.

I don't watch myself on TV, I don't read the news clippings about me, so when people come up and say, 'What about that story last week?' I go, 'I didn't even know there was.'

Falsehood is the jockey of misfortune.

I feel that there has been progress made since I was a boy on matters of race, but we have a long way to go.

I wore a woman's antique fur jacket to my high school junior prom.