As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

You make me wanna staple bagels to my face, then remove them with a pitchfork.

When something needs to be said, you look for a man to say it. But when something needs actually to be done, you look for a woman.

For life to smile at you, you must equip yourself with the power of change.

God made the cat to give man the pleasure of stroking a tiger.

Money is worth nothing if it can't buy you the opportunity to love more.

It's easier for me to get three times the amount of money I really want.

Dark windows are often a very clear proof.

Any horror element is as much psychological as special effects.

When cowardice becomes a fashion its adherents are without number, and it masquerades as forbearance, reasonableness and whatnot.

I never really marketed myself, so each job I was given was a new marketing tool, and that would be the way I marketed myself.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.