As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

You make me wanna staple bagels to my face, then remove them with a pitchfork.

What kind of God is it who's upset by a cartoon in Da

Technically, according to the notion of the will of God, there is no such a thing as a competent surgeon.

Facts give way when faith is activated.

Let's turn to the West, Let's turn up the music, Let's hope it's always as good as this

They are all alike you know. They hold their tongues for years and you think you're safe, but when the opportunity comes they remember everything.

The Bible was written not to satisfy your curiosity but to help you conform to Christ's image.

People tend to believe accusations more than denials.

The human body has absolutely no requirement for animal flesh. Nobody has ever been found face-down 20 yards from Burger King because they couldn't get their Whopper in time.

Help is giving part of yourself to somebody who comes to accept it willingly and needs it badly.

It's hard to get up for a good high-school team like the Chicago Bulls.