If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

You make me wanna staple bagels to my face, then remove them with a pitchfork.

...if Faith shows up in your dreams again tonight, do yourself a favor and dream on.

When I am dead, I will not hurt anymore, will it Mama?...When I am dead, build me a little monument of stones in the woods.

Endurance is the prerogative of woman, enabling the gentlest to suffer what would cause terror to manhood.

The decathlon takes so long to learn that people who are good athletes don't want to go back to the beginning again.

Live the life you're living and try and stay who you are

Be the catalyst for change. Empowering women, empowering humanity

Don't confuse being 'soft' with seeing the other guy's point of view.

The only constant factor in life is our feelings and attitudes toward life. One of the few things that we have total control over is our own attitude.

Once the fifth set comes, it's a matter of nerves.

The President eats dirt and excrement for his daily meals, likes it and tries to force it on The States.