If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

You make me wanna staple bagels to my face, then remove them with a pitchfork.

We define love the way we experienced it.

If you eat meat, something like that is going on in the background for you too.

I feel like my body is borrowed and this life is very temporary.

Lying is sometimes acted, insinuated, or implied, in a manner as injurious and shameful as when the falsehood is spoken outright.

There Lives More Faith in Honest Doubt, Believe Me, Than Half the Creeds. - Alfred, Lord Tennyson

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.

The single most effective way to get rid of rumor and speculation is to be transparent.

People go through periods when things are dark and cloudy, and they talk dark and cloudy.

a woman is not really dressed unless she is wearing a hat.

I think most people's careers in theater are based on delusion. It's just that mine started early.