There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Life is a rare fantasy that can be made a reality by being objective.

It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.

The first condition of happiness is a clear conscience.

They say time is money but really it's not If we ever go broke, then time is all we got And we can't make that back, no you can't make that back

The world is crammed with messages. We’ll never have time to read them all.

Extreme exercise doesn’t save you from poor food choices. It can be difficult to exercise and erase away that chocolate cake or pizza pie. It doesn’t work that way.

I grew up with heroes, people who made me aspire to raise my game, to dream bigger and I like to keep it that simple.

Sometimes clichés are true.

I once heard a woman laugh at that most tragic moment in all drama, the off-stage shot in "The Wild Duck," and I afterward had her killed, so there will be no more of that out of her.

I didn't say I wouldn't go into ghetto areas. I've been in many of them and to some extent I would say this; if you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.