The only thing better than one of my songs is one of my songs with a glass of scotch.

One of these days... One of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser!

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.

Sometimes the feeling that life is great just swells up inside you and fills you with joy.

Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.

A lot of people say, 'Well, I like a challenge. 'I don't like challenges. Life is tough enough without any challenges.

Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.

Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

If at first you don't succeed, tweak it before you toss it.

Jim: By the way Artie. How are you going to escape?Artie: Oh, the usual way. Guile.. cunning...trickery.Wild Wild West Season 3Night of the Arrow

We seldom call anybody lazy, but such as we reckon inferior to us, and of whom we expect some service.

I don't think I'm going to get so mature that I lose touch with the whatever wounded part of myself that feels the need to be funny. I'm already old enough that I realize that's not going to happen.

A particular moment - and I'm not, to this day, quite sure how I feel about it - I had always wanted to be in the law books - you know, Hentoff vs. something or other.

When it comes to accepting emotional support or affection, I'm a little guarded and hardened to that.

People who jump to conclusions rarely alight on them.

Your goal should be to pay off your credit card bills in full at the end of each month and set aside money toward your emergency savings.

Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you. Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it -- every, every minute?

Avoid wine and women - choose a freckly-faced girl for a wife; they are invariably more amiable.