Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

One of these days... One of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser!

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.

Sometimes the feeling that life is great just swells up inside you and fills you with joy.

Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.

A lot of people say, 'Well, I like a challenge. 'I don't like challenges. Life is tough enough without any challenges.

Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle.

The thousand stars that shine in the light of day

In order to remain undead, I must steal the life force of someone whose fate matters less to me than my own.' I've always supposed that Wall Street traders utter essentially the same sentence.

Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever.

Marriage isn't something you agree to do one day, and if things don't go right, then it's over.

I think a human animal is far more wild and unpredictable and dangerous and destructive than any other animal.

One way of ending the poem is to turn it back on itself, like a serpent with its tail in its mouth.

Misfortune is mostly an awkwardness!

You know you can set fire to the capacity to say.

Make sure they remember you.

All schools of philosophy, and almost all authors, are rather to be frequented for exercise than for weight.