The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Want a little cheese with that whine, maestro?

Shall I confess it, Mr. Hartright? I sadly want a reform in the construction of children. Nature's only idea seems to be to make them machines for the production of incessant noise.

You think, 'Musicals, they must always be romantic' - You'd be surprised how few of them historically have ever been romantic.

The second somebody dies somebody else is born People are celebrating while other people morn Home may be home to you but to me it's foreign Even the matador don't pull the bull by the horns

A good book is fruitful of other books; it perpetuates its fame from age to age, and makes eras in the lives of its readers.

I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life...procrastinating and rationalizing.

If there’s one thing that makes a man sick, it’s to have his ale poured out of an ugly hand.

The Buddha gave his first talks, and three or four ascetics became his first disciples. They recognized his enlightenment.

Ultimately, because I'm an artist, I can't ever consider myself a nihilist, so I suppose I'm optimistic.

This night I hold an old accustomed feast, Whereto I have invited many a guest, Such as I love; and you among the store, One more, most welcome, makes my number more.