If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Whatever problem you have can be solved through solitude.

Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it.

Idiots and lunatics see only their own wit.

You three have done quite enough today: all of you and your feckless, treacherous god.

When we accept dismissive judgments of our community we stop having generous hope for it. We cease to be capable of serving its best interests.

Predition is risky, especially of the future.

Lord I'm Doing All I Can To Be A Better Man.

I wish my life was a John Grisham novel. His heroes always seem to be one step away from death but come up with a brilliant plan. Unfortunately, real life can’t be wrapped up with a nice little bow

Every film is a puzzle really, from an editorial point of view.

The Female Western is the battle between the good and evil methods of getting the men who perform best.