I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Good poetry makes the universe reveal a secret.

Unexpected gifts were better accepted when they were presented by total strangers, I had learnt.

I've got the best deal on Earth. Where else can I sin and know that I'm forgiven for it?

I'm no robin hood, I enjoy making the money.

It began as a mistake.

I'm a Silicon Valley guy. I just think people from Silicon Valley can do anything.

When I was young, before school, my father would wake me up and we would go running together. A love of being physical, being active and being outside was something he instilled in me.

Nothing so breaks the spirit as a load of debt.

If I was made of chocolate I would melt myself in a car to ruin the interior.

And when you cannot prove that people are wrong, but only that they are absurd, the best course is to let them alone.