When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Speak with contempt of none, from slave to king, The meanest Bee hath, and will use, a sting.

I like 'The Simpsons' quite a lot. I love the irreverent character of the whole show. It's great.

Hate has no place in the house of God. No one should be excluded from our love, our compassion or our concern because of race or gender, faith or ethnicity - or because of their sexual orientation.

Ava said her hand accidentally slipped and made contact with her guy's nose. I said Repeatedly? And she said, 'Uh, yeah. I'm really clumsy.

I'd like to do a show that's not a sitcom.

Reality is like a face reflected in the blade of a knife; its properties depend on the angle from which we view it.

You can hit my father over the head with a chair and he won't wake up, but my mother, all you have to do to my mother is cough somewhere in Siberia and she'll hear you.

Since I was little, it was instilled in me to conserve water. In terms of what can you do as an individual, it's an easy issue to get behind.

The young actors coming out of the Universities are well trained.

I continue to explore poetry.