Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

One of the most important jobs of the youth is to make the elderly happy.

Democracy is a brawl settled in advance by counting heads.

Surely you do not believe in the gods. What's your argument? Where's your proof?

The curse of the intelligent man is that he will always find himself surrounded by the ignorant. The measure of the intelligent man is determined by his tolerance toward them.

I'm a fish swimming by...catch me if you want me.

Be it a house, be it a car or be it a little motorbike, there is always a place for the family!

We have lived through the era when happiness was a warm puppy, and the era when happiness was a dry martini, and now we have come to the era when happiness is 'knowing what your uterus looks like'.

Smoking cigarettes seems to alarm peace activists much more than voting for Reagan does.

It's OK that thoughts don't manifest into reality immediately.

Finding faults is for those with tired minds.