My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Happiness simply forms like a rainbow in the kindest and most grateful hearts.

Erik got to his feet, aware of her watching him, and tried not to preen at the frank admiration in her eyes. Preening was not manly.

The gentleman is generous and treats all men as his equals, especially those whom he feels to be inferior in rank and wealth.

Try not to have idols: they are interchangeable and lead to a wantonness that is easily mistaken for love.

The world is richer than it is possible to express in any single language.

I like to spend time in the past, with the things that have been important to me.

The question was, have you heard from anyone on the [Donald] Trump transition team? We have not been contacted.

I don't have time to be negative.

Those who have obtained the farthest insight into Nature have been, in all ages, firm believers in God.