My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Your thoughts are your message to the world. Just as the rays are the messages of the Sun.

One of these days when you are spreading your web of lies and deceit. Your tongue shall turn to ashes in your mouth and after the falling out of your teeth.

It would be sad if my best work had been 20 years ago and now I only had memories.

Passion cannot be beautiful without excess; one either loves too much or not enough.

Alcoholism, tobacco, drunk driving, these things will always be with us. There's always going to be a certain percentage of any population that is addicted to certain substances.

I'm going forward with my plans for life. I'm looking at things not only basketball-wise, but personal-wise.

Short is the joy that guilty pleasure brings.

When my wife died, I booked myself into the studio just to work, to occupy myself.

Christianity and democracy are inevitably enemies.

That is the logical tight-rope on which we have to walk if we wish to interpret nature.