I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

The secret to wealth is hard work and good management.

Watch the costs and the profits will take care of themselves.

And I love a scary movie. It makes your toes curl and it's not you going through it.

I'm a strategic guy. I'm gonna figure out ways to hurt the defense, but it's not gonna be about throwing a ball through a wall.

Many of us in our praying are like nasty little boys who ring front door bells and run away before anyone answers.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

If there is continuity in the universe, it is fitting that there should be intelligent beings without bodies which are called angels.

How many days have I spent alone with my cat... and when I say alone, I mean without a material being, for my cat is a mystical companion, a spirit.

There is nothing that comes closer to true humility than the intelligence. It is impossible to feel pride in one's intelligence at the moment when one really and truly exercises it.

You can't steal my joy because you didn't give it to me! Blessed.