A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Human being living at the level of biomass will comply with the changing fashion and beauty standards

Any technology that is distinguishable from magic is not sufficiently advanced.

Make 2012 the year that you were nice.. because people don't like not nice people.. so be nice.. all the time!

I want to try to counter what Donald Trump says because a lot of it is mean-spirited and would hurt people.

Without the a test you don't have a testimony.

The best compliment I've gotten was being compared to Randy Johnson. We're both hard-throwing.

An artist should be well read in the best books, and thoroughly high bred, both in heart and bearing. In a word, he should be fit for the best society, and should keef out of it.

When we are broken because of increased hardship, we simply have to trust in the goodness of God.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Sometimes we forget about common sense. Autism is used too much as an excuse for bad behavior.