I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

I did something the other day that not many have been taught. I prayed for those who hurt me, to eventually find there way- not because they deserve it but because i deserve the growth.

There is a light in every soul.

Good kitchens are not about size

If the historian will be faithful to the photograph, the photograph will be faithful to history.

Every time you have a chance, go within and do your meditation.

We find it hard to believe that other people's thoughts are as silly as our own, but they probably are.

You must decrease the amount of food you eat and increase the amount of exercise you get. That is all there is to it.

The beginning is the most important part...for that is the time character is being formed.

Find first peace within yourself. Don't eat too much. Keep your brain active. Love.

Drunkenness is simply voluntary insanity.