I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The past was always there, lived inside of you, and it helped to make you who you were. But it had to be placed in perspective. The past could not dominate the future.

You can market anything in the world all it requires creativity and patience #Thinklogical #ThinkDigital

Most budget airlines anywhere in the world are going to leave you dissatisfied after using them.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

I don't care if people like my character. I just want them to think about the movie's message.

Build an organization that can tackle the tough things and keep moving.

We don't have an explanation for everything that happens. We don't control almost anything. And if we are not open to that mystery, life becomes so small.

Don't adventures ever have an end? I suppose not. Someone else always has to carry on on the story.

Read widely, and without apology. Read what you want to read, not what someone tells you you should read.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.