I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

An intelligent man is one who acknowledges his intelligence as that of those who surround him.

In death, you once more challenge people from every strata, religion, and position to think about how their own actions do and can change the world for better or worse.

The cost of pension reforms has been perhaps the biggest error committed in the process of modernizing Bolivia's economy.

All dogs can be guide dogs of a sort, leading us to places we didn't even know we needed or wanted to go.

Is this what it's like to get close to other people--you do something insane together and then you have to share everything even if you don't really want to?

We have never stayed home long enough to experience the truth about ourselves.

I mean the whole thing about meditation and yoga is about connecting to the higher part of yourself, and then seeing that every living thing is connected in some way.

Cooking was taken with such seriousness in France that even ordinary chefs were proud of their profession. That's what appealed to me.

I have a heart with room for every joy .

A large plural society cannot be governed without recognizing that, transcending its plural interests, there is a rational order with a superior common law.