Witty Quotes

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Television has made dictatorship impossible but democracy unbearable.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Be pretty if you can, be witty if you must, but be gracious if it kills you.

We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

Some men change their party for the sake of their principles; others their principles for the sake of their party

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Vote early and vote often.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There is nothing - absolutely nothing - half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Seduction is about intelligence and wit. Someone who makes me laugh has every chance to seduce me.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood.

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

If I read as many books as most men do, I would be as dull-witted as they are.

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I never cared for fashion much, amusing little seams and witty little pleats: it was the girls I liked.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.

It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time.

To obtain an assured favorable response from people, it is better to offer them something for their stomachs instead of their brains.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

I've never had a humble opinion. If you've got an opinion, why be humble about it?

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

Surrealism in painting amounted to little more than the contents of a meagerly stocked dream world: a few witty fantasies, mostly wet dreams and agoraphobic nightmares.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

My contributions were many: First clown director, with witty sayings and flashily dressed, now called master of ceremonies.

I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

History is littered with the wars which everybody knew would never happen.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.