Sarcastic Quotes

When I have an idea, I turn down the flame, as if it were a little alcohol stove, as low as it will go. Then it explodes and that is my idea.

I got into therapy in the fifth grade because I said in a sarcastic way that I was going to kill myself, and they didn't get it then. Nothing's changed.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent.

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.

Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life.

Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.

She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered.

With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs.

You have delighted us long enough.

I once told a journalist that girls call me 'Kitten,' but I couldn't have been more sarcastic, and no matter how many times I've said that it was a joke, it still doesn't go away.

If a man writes a book, let him set down only what he knows. I have guesses enough of my own.

It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor

He was trying to save both his faces.

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

He is mad, bad and dangerous to know.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

Useless as a pulled tooth.

Sometimes I say things that I think are obviously sarcastic and people take them quite literally.

An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet, who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living.

The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years.

Why was I born with such contemporaries?

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.

In my deepest parts of sadness, I'm always making a joke or being sarcastic.

A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.

I find myself to be quite sarcastic, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't get that.

He's liked, but he's not well liked.

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

My mind reels with sarcastic replies.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep.

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.