Humorous Quotes

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

Vote early and vote often.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.'

Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?

Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips.

It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.

If "ifs" and "ands" were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands

Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.

To be a colored man in America ... and enjoy it, you must be greatly daring, greatly stolid, greatly humorous and greatly sensitive. And at all times a philosopher.

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

There are no nudists in cold areas.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy.

Sometimes the person who is the most logical is the person whom we call insane.

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be.

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn't organised to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.